Talking can be freeing. Aside from the brain science research that shows talking can regulate emotions and improve cognitive flexibility, talking helps you know yourself better so you can get out of your own way.

We all have ways, from very early on in our lives, of protecting ourselves — automatically pushing away parts of ourselves or parts of others that we deem threatening. Over time, because we didn’t have opportunities to understand them, they calcify and get buried, constraining us in ways that help us feel safe or productive but also limit us, sometimes unknowingly, creating conflict in ourselves and our relationships. Talking, over time, brings things into our awareness so we can have new options and possibilities.

While you may feel some benefits early on, the lasting benefits of therapy are not always immediate. At first, there may be no obvious connection between what you’re talking about and how your problems will improve. Similar in some ways to planting a fruit tree, there’s no immediate connection between planting seeds and eating peaches, but if you plant seeds and tend to them, peaches will likely come. Therapy takes time.

It’s very different. With a friend, you probably pick and choose what you talk about. In therapy, you try to say whatever comes to mind no matter how insignificant or inappropriate you think it might be; or without knowing where your thoughts may lead.

Friends take turns sharing. In therapy, you do most of the talking. The therapist will learn a lot about you, and you’ll know much less about the therapist.

Another difference is that the therapist can’t socialize or meet with you outside therapy. This doesn’t mean your therapist won’t acknowledge you if you say hi when you run into each other. And it has nothing to do with whether your therapist would enjoy seeing you. It’s because a therapist can’t have a social relationship with you and be an effective therapist for you at the same time.

As far as I’m aware, it’s different with AI, too. While AI is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, therapy is boundaried: for example, you and your therapist choose a regular day and time each week to meet.

Therapists are trained to listen in a specific way. They learn to listen to what you are saying, literally and metaphorically. They also learn to pay attention to what is not being said, like crying, smiling, showing up to session late, showing up early, sitting on a different part of the couch than usual, clicking a pen, trailing off in conversation, and so on. Actions don’t necessarily speak louder than words, but they do speak, so you and your therapist will try to understand what they are saying.

Therapists are also trained to listen carefully to themselves — their own thoughts and feelings that come up in session with you. They’re skilled at paying attention to them and understanding them, and how to use their internal reactions in service of you and your therapy.

When you start therapy, it’s important that you feel you can talk to your therapist, and that they are interested in you and able to understand you. If you feel you’re not connecting in the beginning after giving it a fair shot, it would be reasonable to choose someone else.

As therapy progresses, though, there will be times when you feel upset, disappointed, or even angry with your therapist. This is normal. It could mean that therapy has touched on something important, and it could even indicate progress. When it happens, try to talk about what might be bothering you. It’s important that you feel your therapist is curious and not defensive. You may feel an urge to skip sessions or quit, but this would be the time to try to understand why you’re feeling this way. It’s an opportunity to understand yourself with more clarity and could be related to the very thing that brought you to therapy.

This is often when the most valuable work happens and when lasting change takes place.

Sometimes, thoughts of ending therapy can mean therapy has touched on something important, and, in these cases, hopefully you give yourself the chance in therapy to understand what’s happening for you.

But, at some point, you’ll start to think about ending therapy because you’ve accomplished what you came for and your life is on a better course. When that happens, please don’t rush. You might be compelled to, but it’s an important phase of therapy that needs time to unfold.

Let your therapist know well in advance that you’re thinking about ending. When the time comes, you can agree on a date for your last session. Then you can plan to do meaningful work in the time leading up to it. Things will come up that haven’t come up before. A thoughtful, deliberate ending is a significant opportunity.

People understandably assume a therapist’s job is to give advice. But advice is not really psychotherapy, and, in the long run, is rarely helpful. Sometimes, there are exceptions to advice-giving. And this does not mean that your therapist won’t help you solve problems when needed.

But if advice were enough, you likely wouldn’t be seeking therapy. Friends, family, colleagues, hairdressers, and AI can give advice, sometimes very good advice. Your therapist, however, will help you see yourself and your situation more deeply and more clearly so you can make choices that are constructive for you; advice tends to short-circuit that process.